Our new baby bean is here

Hello lovely blog-followers. I am back from bed rest to let you know that I have a scrummy new baby Bean at home! DS2 has arrived safe and sound and my little beany-baby is indeed a gorgeous little boy. Born with a shock of dark brown hair, beautiful long fingers, a little musician in the making. He has been wonderful to spend time with, naturally quiet and calm - or perhaps, this being number two, it's me who is more quiet and calm this time round? Little Sprout has taken it all in his stride remarkably well, giving cuddles and kisses to 'his' baby freely. It's safe to say he loves being a big brother.

We've had a very busy month all round, what with the arrival of Bean, Sprout turning two, me turning 30 and the usual deluge of family visitors wanting to breathe in that new baby smell. STBXH has been visiting often too, so on we march along this bear hunt a little further... we can't go over it, we can't go under it. This is what it feels like to be going through it... for today, I'm no longer squelching through the thick oozy mud, stuck and bogged down in grief or anger. I know it's not over but I've got my sights set on my destination, and I'll get there with my babies, on my own terms, in my own time. Divorce doesn't seem so scary any more.

No matter what else happens I can honestly say without a scrap of doubt, my babies are worth whatever pain their father has brought into my life. I am so proud of them both. Strangely, I don't feel sad or hurt or unhappy when I see my H these days. I feel happy, strong and empowered. My beautiful children are the centre of my universe and I know I am doing a great job with them. Both are happy, healthy gorgeous little boys - I honestly just feel sorry for him that he gave up being with them every day. I will never, never understand how a parent can walk away from their children without a backwards glance, and for that I'm truly grateful. Some things I don't want to understand. I don't believe he is coming away from his family unscathed either, as each visit rolls around, he arrives looking a little more unkempt, a little more tired. The shiny new life he wanted may be losing it's shine, but as for me and my sons - we're glowing, growing and loving each other. All by ourselves!

I don't intend to sound smug believe me. I don't revel in imagining his regret. After all, how do I know he even does regret his choices? Why try to do someone else's thinking for them? I'll never know how he could, or why he left, and I'll never truly know how he feels about being on the periphery of his family now. It's really none of my business actually, and I practice every day letting go of the desire to know or influence his feelings. All I know is that as each day passes and I come up from the newborn haze for a breath of air, I am surprised again by how ok I am right now. Far from feeling miserable and fighting off the baby blues, I just feel free. There is no-one to worry about waking up when I co-sleep and breastfeed my baby through these long, hot summer nights. No-one around to grumble about the mess two children leave in their wake, or to accommodate in my plans on a day to day basis... most of all, no-one to please but myself while I plan my future with my boys. I have big dreams, and I'm prepared to work hard to make them happen. The only hands I'll be holding are baby Bean's and little Sprout's!