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Sunday, 25 November 2012

Weeds are flowers too

Today is a very, very wet day. The rain is coming down with such commitment that going outside even for five minutes would result in an immpromptu mid-afternoon hairwash. As a result, we're all snuggled up inside and I have that rare thing for a mum of two under three, a half hour with both children asleep.

So I'm sensibly putting off an inevitable cleaning blitz and posting on here instead. I have a lot of cleaning and sorting to do, because this time next week, I'll have moved house, I pick up the keys to my new home on Friday. Right now, I'm in denial about it - don't get me wrong, it's great, the house is lovely, and it's the right thing for us to do now, but boy is it scary!

No more Nana and Papa on hand to help out. It's a very big step indeed. Despite planning to move out ever since we arrived back in January, now that the move is upon us, I am feeling a little well, actually miles out of my comfort zone. To me, this is a BIG DEAL. The good things are that it means I've made the conscious decision to stay in this part of the world, to put down roots, and to be a genuinely lone parent. In reality, mum and dad will only be about three streets away so why I'm having silent palpitations I don't know!

In part, I think my anxieties are gathering pace because deep down I don't know if I have what it takes to be truly independent. Before my marriage, I lived in a flat rented by my parents. Before that I was a student, with lots of financial and practical assistance from my family. When I was married, I was in a house part owned by my STBXH and his MIL. I've never really 'done it for myself'. I have never had to organise my utilities, know where the fuse box is, manage all my household bills or maintenance on my own. I've never really been in charge of the home I'm in. But in the same breath, that means the 'home' I've been in has never really been mine. I truly want to be excited about this new start, however I feel like I'm going out on a limb living somewhere that it's really all up to me. 

I've been talking about being independent for a long time. The home is only one part of it. I began studying to be a life coach for young people long before my marriage broke down. In many ways, this new house is more to me than bricks and mortar, it's the start of my new life with my boys. Come April, it'll be the first office space for my new business too.

Like many other lone parents before me, I've come to the realisation than no-one really wants to employ me in pre-school hours so I have to make self-employment work for me if I intend to build a working life that supports the family life I want for my children. On paper that's exciting. Subconsciously I am looking around frantically for someone to hold my hand! I know that the career I've chosen to study for and invest in, is one that I passionately believe in. I know I'm good at it. My friends tell me I'll be great at it. So why am I such a nervous wreck?

Someone, somewhere planted seeds of self-doubt in my head. I never paid much attention to where those seeds took root and flowered, until now. All of a sudden I feel like I'm standing in a bramble patch wondering how the feck to get out. The freedom course has been helping, but has also highlighted some of the ridiculous things I've allowed myself to believe for a long, long time. I believed that I'm not capable of managing money, or planning my own destiny. That I needed someone stronger than me to tell me what I should be spending my time, my income or my energy on. I've let previous partners define my self-worth so that it's intrinsically less than theirs.

This is not true. I will be repeating this to myself a lot! When I move into my own house, with all the furniture I have chosen, and lock the door with the keys that only belong to me, to sit down at the kitchen table desk where my business will be born, I'll remind myself that yes, I've let some pretty negative thoughts put down roots in my head. But in my heart I know I am capable of much, much more than I've achieved so far. If I can take those fears and turn them into fuel to push me forwards instead of holding me back, I know I can make this a year of enormous change and positivity.


  1. It's just a tiny thing but since you're in training as a life coach, I just want to remind you:
    Use positive phrasing wherever possible. Remember the brain processes the action/belief/item before it negates it, so where you say "This is not true" you are looking at it being true before you decide it's not.
    "This is wrong" or "This is a fallacy" or whatever other word you prefer - but please take the negative out.
    Great writing though! :)